Internets Halloween

If only I hated myself like I hate other people, my life would turn out fine. I’d have the castle I always wanted and made blueprints for, I’d have the suit and black car I’d drive in to pick up my daughter at school so people would think her dad was in the FBI, I’d have the sharp stubble needed for lighting matches… but, nay, I do not have such a destiny for I do not have a daughter, a driver’s license despite being stuck in Texas, nor do I have the green dollar billz. I figure if I hated myself a little to a lot more, I could become a journalist. I’d be angry and miserable all of the time so being verbose for the sake of it wouldn’t be difficult. As for getting laid, I’m not any luckier now with a vampire’s smile so I wouldn’t be missing out on anything. As it stands, I am at a loss for what it is I truly want to do but now, more than ever, I am certain that I want nothing to do with the internet.

I got bored and took a stroll down Nexus way. You remember the Korean MMORPG with the Suikoden graphics? Yeah, I used to play that back in ‘03 with some ex-friends who now haunt my recent dreams. Well, I went back in and did some speedruns as different classes only to be met with internet. Even the notice of my username sent 12 y/o kids into violent diatribes about why I’m worthless. I could only understand half of it because I refuse to accept pwnspeak as a language and nerdcore as a genre, but what I did comprehend I did not like. I attempted using big words to hurt them emotionally but, sooner than I’d thought I’d recall it, kids on the internet have no emotions. They only have shitting dicknipples on 4chan. And I won’t post my 1-hour soliliquy on why that site is the reason PKU has destroyed all of my sperm as you all should know that it is the infected rectum of the cyber-95.

I got bored and felt like making a witty console-war comment at one of my pals online since this idiot felt like posting old news. His reaction was full-blown animosity and I don’t like to coddle people into accepting my apologies so I decided to let the fucker have it, but in the most sarcastic way I could. This too did not register with him as he got genuinely offended. I was thinking “why do I talk with this kid who thinks Rejected! and Home Movies are funny” but he beat me to it and said “I don’t know why I talk to you, manj.” Well, not exactly. I edited that because his grammar was a mess, but this kid wrote the word manj twice in the same reply. I sighed slightly less heavier than the day I walked out of Ocean’s house on Earth Day 2000. And only 1 or 2 people know what that means so I’ll explain: it means “oh god, this is a complete and utter waste of my life and if I don’t pay for my sins soon, the debt will only increase and those I love will go away forever.” Of course, 7 years ago I was being dead serious and last night I was just wondering why I let myself get in this position. Sitting by the computer, discussing console wars with some guy who’s taking it more serious than a death in the family.

I was thinking about it and I believe I can explain why we (choose “we” for yourselves) are progressively getting worse as a people. We’re getting smarter in terms of what wikis we can edit but we’re giving up our social skills and unique personality traits in exchange for memorizing MC Lars lyrics or, even worse, writing blogs about I’ve Sound. I know I’m part of the problem, but we’re all part of one giant problem anyway. The more I roam on this internet thing, the more DA sites, bullshit Cheezburger catmeme nonsense, the “graphics don’t matter” PS2 kids who grew loud obnoxious voices in favor of the PS3 graphics all over the place, the chan imageboards and YTMNDs, the “social networking” sites, the more I’m so happy I’m not like you people. Half of you are grammar nazis and half of you can’t read or write in your native language! Half of you yell out “BOOBIES!!” or “first!!!!” in forums and feeds and half of you can’t read it without having your whole days ruined. I want your problems, which are no problems, and the size of your estates but I’d have to hate myself and dress the part and be like you people and I just can’t do that.

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノおはよう Hey hey hey, guys!
Hahahaha, it’s GATO! What’s up, nigga dawg!?
Yo, I saw this vampire the other day! (o*｡_｡) He was fangy!
Ho shit!
No shit? Wow, man! I’ve never seen a real vampire!
Hahahaha, you’ve seen fake vampires before?
( ･_･)ｼﾞｯ
OI! THAT’S A GOOD ONE GATO! ∑d(≧▽≦*)
…Yes, I have, actually… ( →_→)ｼﾞﾛ!
Oh. ( 　・　＿　・ 　)
Hahahahaha!

Cat meat.

E3, people. That means more Kane and Lynch. More Mercenaries 2. More Culdcept Saga, goddammit. I watched Gamespot’s coverage and I was happy to see a stage show of Wild Arms 5. Cowboys are back, hex system is sticking around. I watched G4’s coverage and I was disappointed to see that they’d played old footage and narrated over it. I watched everything at Gametrailers but got no GTD. It’s an exciting time! Oddly enough, there was nothing new I added to my must-buy list, but I did manage to take some things off like Strangehold, which is looking like what John Woo became when he made M:i:II. Tequila time. Oh god.

However, Kojima might’ve persuaded me a bit to reconsider my position on the PS3 debate. The “new” 6 minute trailer for MGS4 was done all in-engine and had Phil LaMarr’s sexy and perfect voice in it so… I mean, I want it. I want it despite Meryl’s weird rigid helmet hair and the whole Oceliquid thing. And so do you. Makes me wonder how they’re gonna do the movie for this series. Last game in the series, yes, but the MGS movie ain’t gonna go the Fatal Frame route and shelve itself for years… even though I’d rather see a Fatal Frame movie. And so would you.

Speaking of movies, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Shitty game and amazing movie, of course. Best of the 5 that’ve come out so far with really great editing and direction. Honestly, I’ve never read any of the books but I go see the movies within the first week with my mother every year as a ritual, but I just couldn’t see this movie being based on a novel. It plays so perfectly as a 134 minute epic with a cliffhanger and Gary Oldman’s never looked sexier… Two sexy references to men in 1 stanza so far… Maybe this has something to do with why I refuse to date women in Austin, but I digress… Not very much Malfoy, Neville is awesome, Dumbledore > Yoda, Ralph Fiennes is hot even as Voldemort (dammit, 3), and the girl playing Luna Lovegood gives me a huge Anna Faris vibe. The darkness of the series is finally blooming beautifully. I couldn’t help but think of war, beautiful savage war, throughout the last 80 minutes, and that’s a good sign for me. If this movie doesn’t snag an Oscar nod for cinematography, it’s because a Mexican dude made a coming-of-age movie that no one but the academy saw.

HP: OotP: 9 thumbs up out of 10.

Sometimes I wonder how cat would taste. I’m allergic to cat hair so they’d have to be plucked like chickens before I could inspect the meat. With ligaments as flex and slick as those of a cat, with whiskers that detect vibrations in the air, and eyes that can see 270 degrees and in the night, cats are far spryer than most animals. I’d imagine they’d be lean as hell. I know, I know, I’m pissing off everybody who loves jesus because all christians have cats and tucked-in polos, but they’ve got no right! Hell, we use to feed them to lions.

Second impressions of Hitman

Shortly after I ranted about people having no faith in the Hitman movie, I came across the Hitman script…

Upon reading this script, I recalled a seminar I attended for the producer Steven Haft. He said, basically, that a studio can say yes to only one script per month. [Re: a Terry Gilliam panel I went to - "Hollywood's job is to say no to people all day."]
And they only read your script if you’ve followed every protocol down to the letter – font, size, margin, spacing, placement, treatment, comes with a cookie, and the script is over and under the required page count. (Too short and it’s no good, too long and you can’t sell it to many theater screens.)
Say you got the script to look and feel like everyone else’s, now it has to be ‘good.’ And ‘good’ is subjective, so what I mean by ‘good’ is marketable.
Now that it’s marketable, you’re fighting against the other scripts that hit the same office. If this cubicle jockey is in the mood to read yours, you stand a fighting 2% chance.
Say he reads it and likes it, he now wants you to revise it. But not just you, 5 other people. Once all 6 of you have revised it, it gets graded again.
Say it passes, excellent. You’re in the running for a greenlighted screenwriting credit!
Say a producer says “ok, we’ll make it,” now you’ve got a credit! Now, depending on how many awards you’ve gotten in the past (and I am not making this up), it determines how much money you get.

I won a student filmmaker award for the Vermilion Chicken, which I posted a few days ago, so I’d make a bit more than a lesser nobody. However, that award is a Kodak Student Filmmakers Award and not a festival award, which would yield more. The more cred your award and pull can flaunt, the more dollar bills you get for your script. I’d make about $1000 for my script if it got through all of those phases and the script supervisors? More because the studio hired them. Now you get the picture on why your script wasn’t read and you’re stuck in LA as a waitress, driving in the middle lane of traffic so your perfect cheekbones can be seen.

What does all this have to do with the Hitman script?
Simple. Skip Woods, the douchebag who brought us Swordfish, wrote the script and he has more pull than most. That being the case, his goddawful script beat out all the prospected-hundreds of others, some of which were probably by people who actually played a game in the series.

Without spoiling anything because I don’t want to be sued, I’ll just say that I am greatly disappointed in this sty reaking of boiled ass, this 127-page piece of drek, this impure tome. The characters who aren’t Agent 47 are unlikable, the characters who ARE Agent 47 aren’t accurately portrayed. The setting and pacing and order of the scenes are a garbled mess. If I had to compare the plot to anything it would be to a set of unhappy children, playing with micro machines, behind a blurry time-stained window somewhere their parents can’t get to. In other words, I don’t know why I pained myself to last all 127 pages because I knew it was all going to suck 10 pages in.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t hate on Skip Woods so much. I mean, he only directed the first movie he wrote and produced which implies that he was once like you and I – trying to get out there, make a movie, make a name for himself. He did that in ‘98 and got the award he needed to have more pull, then I guess kept trying until Swordfish was picked up in ‘01… but that still doesn’t excuse anything. The only thing I liked about the script was the bondage, but you don’t need a lot of that to make me happy. Maybe Xavier Gens has a plan to rescue the movie since one of the scenes in the trailer (the only one I wanted to see, ironically enough) isn’t even in the damn script, but I doubt it. I mean, the religious nonsense that soaks the trailer with pretty piety also is not in the script. Either someone is to blame or Hollywood just doesn’t work… oh wait.

Hey, guys, on a related note, I agree with the philosophy that pirates can help bring justice to the gross sales of a movie. And by that, I don’t mean pirates helped Sicko make more money (which I believe it did), I mean if we stop paying to see our favorite games turn into what THIS is going to be, they might stop ruining things at such an alarming rate or at least hire better people for the job. And, you know, even if they don’t… at least they didn’t get your $11.

First impressions of Hitman

I really thought that the recently upped Hitman trailer would’ve changed some minds, but apparently internet folk can only get dumber. So, because my mind feels like hot apple soda and stale doritos after reading some forums, I figured I’d preach the word:

• The trailer features Ave Maria, which was also featured in Hitman: Blood Money. It’s NOT original from the game. You know what, it was also in Cowboy Bebop so I suppose Jesper Kyd stole it from Yoko Kanno, right?
• The guns are wrong, the guns are wrong, who gives a shit about the design of the guns being perfect? Be happy they didn’t mess up the Hitman logo that plays every 3 seconds in between all the religious shit!
• I agree that Vin Diesel wouldn’t be good for the role but I think you retards hate him for the sake of doing so. Statham, however, would NOT be the perfect 47. He’s too cool, too loud, has a mean swagger, means motherfucking business. 47’s top priority under getting the job done is to not be seen.
• Have you seen Timothy Olyphant act? Ok, you did. Was it good? Oh, it was? Then stop bitching… But you insist he’s got a baby face? Well, stop whining, because I think he looks good. I mean, if you wanted a guy to really look the part, then why didn’t you protest in favor of Mark-Paul Gosselaar? Think about it.

Really, people.

Well, now that I’ve learned you something, it’s time for me to jump in the pool. Here’s what I think sucks about the trailer. First of all, the aforementioned religious shit. There’s no reason I can think of to make Hitman something to relate to on a spiritual level unless Fox thought they’d catch flack for hosting a badass 2002 movie in 2008 if they didn’t put a little Changing Lanes in there. But Changing Lanes sucked. Imho, the church stuff is undercooked Wellington on an otherwise stylish and well-done plate, especially if you’ve played all but the first game (even though I haven’t met a single person who has). Second of all, I see some sexy times in there. Naughty, naughty, what’s that doing in my Hitman movie? 47 better -_- through the whole thing, that’s all I gotta say. However, that won’t happen. You know it, I know it, he’ll get into the objective. That raises a concern: will Olyphant be able to suppress his emotions and play a straight 47 even during and after his silverballers get polished… or will that not be a concern at all if the script introduces a caring Agent 47? …which is a concern…

There I go, reading too much into things. I’m gonna go get the script to Hitman, though, so I can figure out if I nailed it or not. Spoliers? Bah! If I’m reading it all from start to finish, it’s like I’m looking forward to watching a movie based on something I read. Really, people.

Don’t give your taxpaying dollar billz to the Reaper.

I’m going to spend all day today and tomorrow, reading .chm files.
Gotta get back in the groove and then some of editing movies, so I might film something just so I can cut it to shreds. I figure that’s better than finding out what it feels like to kill a man since I can’t afford jail right now.

See, I remember all the basics and I have all of my college footage done but I’m more interested in the advanced levels. If I ever want to make a living doing non-linear editing, I’m gonna have to be better than the next guy and not just some sexy dude who loves dynamic cutting and rice krispie treats. Or, you know, find Quentin Tarantino and lend him a copy of Heat After Dark… but that would require leaving the house and I don’t want to put on pants.

Also, I’m not sure if I should post the stuff I’m most proud of for fear that people will mistake my lack of concern for excellent mise-en-scene for a lack of talent. I’d have to stress time and time again that I know what I did wrong and know how to fix it but, you know, didn’t fuckin’ feel like it. For example, my college movie? Errors, man. My mom’s in one shot, I didn’t take out the audio of one of my actors cursing as he fumbles to the ground, you can see a foot moving into the frame in one scene… but all of that is hilarious to me.

Also, that’s why I didn’t win whatever editing award they were giving out that day and instead my rival got it. Normally, I’d be fine with losing something like that since I had it coming, but to him? He won it for putting 3D grim reapers on everyone elses’ student films and then dubbing them badly! AND he won best film, which was even worse. I mean, it didn’t even have a 3D grim reaper in it for crying out loud! I guess I shouldn’t complain since I also won a best film award for it and it made a few other festivals, but I’m a bitter person who lives in the past.

Anyway, check this out, when the credits rolled on another film he ruined, Don’t Fear The Reaper came on. I expected this and brought a cowbell, so I stood up during the credits and wailed on it. I miss college, lol.

I really want FFXII International!!

I don’t know why!!