Cat meat.

E3, people. That means more Kane and Lynch. More Mercenaries 2. More Culdcept Saga, goddammit. I watched Gamespot’s coverage and I was happy to see a stage show of Wild Arms 5. Cowboys are back, hex system is sticking around. I watched G4’s coverage and I was disappointed to see that they’d played old footage and narrated over it. I watched everything at Gametrailers but got no GTD. It’s an exciting time! Oddly enough, there was nothing new I added to my must-buy list, but I did manage to take some things off like Strangehold, which is looking like what John Woo became when he made M:i:II. Tequila time. Oh god.

However, Kojima might’ve persuaded me a bit to reconsider my position on the PS3 debate. The “new” 6 minute trailer for MGS4 was done all in-engine and had Phil LaMarr’s sexy and perfect voice in it so… I mean, I want it. I want it despite Meryl’s weird rigid helmet hair and the whole Oceliquid thing. And so do you. Makes me wonder how they’re gonna do the movie for this series. Last game in the series, yes, but the MGS movie ain’t gonna go the Fatal Frame route and shelve itself for years… even though I’d rather see a Fatal Frame movie. And so would you.

Speaking of movies, Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. Shitty game and amazing movie, of course. Best of the 5 that’ve come out so far with really great editing and direction. Honestly, I’ve never read any of the books but I go see the movies within the first week with my mother every year as a ritual, but I just couldn’t see this movie being based on a novel. It plays so perfectly as a 134 minute epic with a cliffhanger and Gary Oldman’s never looked sexier… Two sexy references to men in 1 stanza so far… Maybe this has something to do with why I refuse to date women in Austin, but I digress… Not very much Malfoy, Neville is awesome, Dumbledore > Yoda, Ralph Fiennes is hot even as Voldemort (dammit, 3), and the girl playing Luna Lovegood gives me a huge Anna Faris vibe. The darkness of the series is finally blooming beautifully. I couldn’t help but think of war, beautiful savage war, throughout the last 80 minutes, and that’s a good sign for me. If this movie doesn’t snag an Oscar nod for cinematography, it’s because a Mexican dude made a coming-of-age movie that no one but the academy saw.

HP: OotP: 9 thumbs up out of 10.

Sometimes I wonder how cat would taste. I’m allergic to cat hair so they’d have to be plucked like chickens before I could inspect the meat. With ligaments as flex and slick as those of a cat, with whiskers that detect vibrations in the air, and eyes that can see 270 degrees and in the night, cats are far spryer than most animals. I’d imagine they’d be lean as hell. I know, I know, I’m pissing off everybody who loves jesus because all christians have cats and tucked-in polos, but they’ve got no right! Hell, we use to feed them to lions.

Second impressions of Hitman

Shortly after I ranted about people having no faith in the Hitman movie, I came across the Hitman script…

Upon reading this script, I recalled a seminar I attended for the producer Steven Haft. He said, basically, that a studio can say yes to only one script per month. [Re: a Terry Gilliam panel I went to - "Hollywood's job is to say no to people all day."]
And they only read your script if you’ve followed every protocol down to the letter – font, size, margin, spacing, placement, treatment, comes with a cookie, and the script is over and under the required page count. (Too short and it’s no good, too long and you can’t sell it to many theater screens.)
Say you got the script to look and feel like everyone else’s, now it has to be ‘good.’ And ‘good’ is subjective, so what I mean by ‘good’ is marketable.
Now that it’s marketable, you’re fighting against the other scripts that hit the same office. If this cubicle jockey is in the mood to read yours, you stand a fighting 2% chance.
Say he reads it and likes it, he now wants you to revise it. But not just you, 5 other people. Once all 6 of you have revised it, it gets graded again.
Say it passes, excellent. You’re in the running for a greenlighted screenwriting credit!
Say a producer says “ok, we’ll make it,” now you’ve got a credit! Now, depending on how many awards you’ve gotten in the past (and I am not making this up), it determines how much money you get.

I won a student filmmaker award for the Vermilion Chicken, which I posted a few days ago, so I’d make a bit more than a lesser nobody. However, that award is a Kodak Student Filmmakers Award and not a festival award, which would yield more. The more cred your award and pull can flaunt, the more dollar bills you get for your script. I’d make about $1000 for my script if it got through all of those phases and the script supervisors? More because the studio hired them. Now you get the picture on why your script wasn’t read and you’re stuck in LA as a waitress, driving in the middle lane of traffic so your perfect cheekbones can be seen.

What does all this have to do with the Hitman script?
Simple. Skip Woods, the douchebag who brought us Swordfish, wrote the script and he has more pull than most. That being the case, his goddawful script beat out all the prospected-hundreds of others, some of which were probably by people who actually played a game in the series.

Without spoiling anything because I don’t want to be sued, I’ll just say that I am greatly disappointed in this sty reaking of boiled ass, this 127-page piece of drek, this impure tome. The characters who aren’t Agent 47 are unlikable, the characters who ARE Agent 47 aren’t accurately portrayed. The setting and pacing and order of the scenes are a garbled mess. If I had to compare the plot to anything it would be to a set of unhappy children, playing with micro machines, behind a blurry time-stained window somewhere their parents can’t get to. In other words, I don’t know why I pained myself to last all 127 pages because I knew it was all going to suck 10 pages in.

Well, maybe I shouldn’t hate on Skip Woods so much. I mean, he only directed the first movie he wrote and produced which implies that he was once like you and I – trying to get out there, make a movie, make a name for himself. He did that in ‘98 and got the award he needed to have more pull, then I guess kept trying until Swordfish was picked up in ‘01… but that still doesn’t excuse anything. The only thing I liked about the script was the bondage, but you don’t need a lot of that to make me happy. Maybe Xavier Gens has a plan to rescue the movie since one of the scenes in the trailer (the only one I wanted to see, ironically enough) isn’t even in the damn script, but I doubt it. I mean, the religious nonsense that soaks the trailer with pretty piety also is not in the script. Either someone is to blame or Hollywood just doesn’t work… oh wait.

Hey, guys, on a related note, I agree with the philosophy that pirates can help bring justice to the gross sales of a movie. And by that, I don’t mean pirates helped Sicko make more money (which I believe it did), I mean if we stop paying to see our favorite games turn into what THIS is going to be, they might stop ruining things at such an alarming rate or at least hire better people for the job. And, you know, even if they don’t… at least they didn’t get your $11.

First impressions of Hitman

I really thought that the recently upped Hitman trailer would’ve changed some minds, but apparently internet folk can only get dumber. So, because my mind feels like hot apple soda and stale doritos after reading some forums, I figured I’d preach the word:

• The trailer features Ave Maria, which was also featured in Hitman: Blood Money. It’s NOT original from the game. You know what, it was also in Cowboy Bebop so I suppose Jesper Kyd stole it from Yoko Kanno, right?
• The guns are wrong, the guns are wrong, who gives a shit about the design of the guns being perfect? Be happy they didn’t mess up the Hitman logo that plays every 3 seconds in between all the religious shit!
• I agree that Vin Diesel wouldn’t be good for the role but I think you retards hate him for the sake of doing so. Statham, however, would NOT be the perfect 47. He’s too cool, too loud, has a mean swagger, means motherfucking business. 47’s top priority under getting the job done is to not be seen.
• Have you seen Timothy Olyphant act? Ok, you did. Was it good? Oh, it was? Then stop bitching… But you insist he’s got a baby face? Well, stop whining, because I think he looks good. I mean, if you wanted a guy to really look the part, then why didn’t you protest in favor of Mark-Paul Gosselaar? Think about it.

Really, people.

Well, now that I’ve learned you something, it’s time for me to jump in the pool. Here’s what I think sucks about the trailer. First of all, the aforementioned religious shit. There’s no reason I can think of to make Hitman something to relate to on a spiritual level unless Fox thought they’d catch flack for hosting a badass 2002 movie in 2008 if they didn’t put a little Changing Lanes in there. But Changing Lanes sucked. Imho, the church stuff is undercooked Wellington on an otherwise stylish and well-done plate, especially if you’ve played all but the first game (even though I haven’t met a single person who has). Second of all, I see some sexy times in there. Naughty, naughty, what’s that doing in my Hitman movie? 47 better -_- through the whole thing, that’s all I gotta say. However, that won’t happen. You know it, I know it, he’ll get into the objective. That raises a concern: will Olyphant be able to suppress his emotions and play a straight 47 even during and after his silverballers get polished… or will that not be a concern at all if the script introduces a caring Agent 47? …which is a concern…

There I go, reading too much into things. I’m gonna go get the script to Hitman, though, so I can figure out if I nailed it or not. Spoliers? Bah! If I’m reading it all from start to finish, it’s like I’m looking forward to watching a movie based on something I read. Really, people.

Don’t give your taxpaying dollar billz to the Reaper.

I’m going to spend all day today and tomorrow, reading .chm files.
Gotta get back in the groove and then some of editing movies, so I might film something just so I can cut it to shreds. I figure that’s better than finding out what it feels like to kill a man since I can’t afford jail right now.

See, I remember all the basics and I have all of my college footage done but I’m more interested in the advanced levels. If I ever want to make a living doing non-linear editing, I’m gonna have to be better than the next guy and not just some sexy dude who loves dynamic cutting and rice krispie treats. Or, you know, find Quentin Tarantino and lend him a copy of Heat After Dark… but that would require leaving the house and I don’t want to put on pants.

Also, I’m not sure if I should post the stuff I’m most proud of for fear that people will mistake my lack of concern for excellent mise-en-scene for a lack of talent. I’d have to stress time and time again that I know what I did wrong and know how to fix it but, you know, didn’t fuckin’ feel like it. For example, my college movie? Errors, man. My mom’s in one shot, I didn’t take out the audio of one of my actors cursing as he fumbles to the ground, you can see a foot moving into the frame in one scene… but all of that is hilarious to me.

Also, that’s why I didn’t win whatever editing award they were giving out that day and instead my rival got it. Normally, I’d be fine with losing something like that since I had it coming, but to him? He won it for putting 3D grim reapers on everyone elses’ student films and then dubbing them badly! AND he won best film, which was even worse. I mean, it didn’t even have a 3D grim reaper in it for crying out loud! I guess I shouldn’t complain since I also won a best film award for it and it made a few other festivals, but I’m a bitter person who lives in the past.

Anyway, check this out, when the credits rolled on another film he ruined, Don’t Fear The Reaper came on. I expected this and brought a cowbell, so I stood up during the credits and wailed on it. I miss college, lol.

I really want FFXII International!!

I don’t know why!!

It’s the 28th of June!!!

First off, I would just like to address that Cold Sex is a cold sex machine goddess for creating my LJ feed and if you have an LJ, click that shit and friend that shit and pass that shit.

What’s so exciting about the 28th of June!? Well, for starters, I had a job interview that isn’t Starbucks but I don’t think I did well on it! Yeah! And Grim Grimoire came out, which is always a reason to celebrate. I have the Japanese version but, you know, I can’t read Japanese. I mean, I love Attackers and Tokyo Hot and Red Eyes X and Bang Bang Promiscuity and Night24 but I just can’t understand a word anyone’s screaming. Still doesn’t prevent the game from being fun, but I always thought: “gee, this game would be so much cooler if I could understand a word and hey that demon thing is glowing.” And now, I can understand the words! Yeah!

Also, I’ve been on an oldie-but-goodie kick and have been watching some old school classics. Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Guys and Dolls, The Maltese Falcon, Le Samourai. All good for different reasons. Not sure if I addressed this in the previous entry because I don’t read and I can’t remember anything, but I think I can attribute the good movie quest to the desire to teach a film class. I figure my old professor knew nothing about film and that didn’t stop us from begging him for college credits so I can do it too. Especially if I move to Eureka and go to another community college for free whilst editing indie films for the credential I’ll need. And if every college in America says no, I’ll just write a book about it and move to England so I can hit on my furry friend and I really miss underground transit… I guess I could move to France for that too… But they have too many French people and the smell of coffee is slowly driving me mad… which for some reason reminds me of my speech and diction class I had which then makes me want to watch My Fair Lady…

Hmm, not much that will probably interest others, so here’s another GATO adventure!

Oi, GATO! ＼(>◇<)／ギャー！ Quick, let us put out this fire!
Ho shit, get waters! O_O
Not my Barbara Walters stamp collection! Anything but that!
I thought you threw that shit out!
THROW DA FIRES OUT (*ノ・)ノギャーーーー！！
We’re working on it!
Yo, I’m workin’ heeee-ya.
Hahahaha, that’s an awesome accent!
Thanks!! (⌒▽⌒)ノ＿彡☆バンバン！ I saved it for such an occasion!

Propose a purpose.

Disclaimer: My blog is on the internet.

I was goofing off at work, pretending that it takes an hour to make more frap mix, when I thought:

Geez, this blend’s aftertaste has reached 10 minutes. I wish I were French, man. Then I could drink this shit and make a movie about unrequited love and taking care of sick kittens or some shit. More hazelnut.

That thought’s seed was watered with more Gazebo and out-sprout the Criterion Criteria:

The movie you’re thinking of making
[1] must be more than 110 minutes long or less then 75.
[2] the main character isn’t very talkative or someone else especially is.
[3] a minimum of 3 wide shots and 2 long takes.
[4] overexposed film or timelapse photography are awarded with bonus points.
[5] all tangibles things must be subject to theory and speculation about the intangible. (Re: Ozu was a genius.)
[6] must allow for an artsy indiefag* cover to be made.

(*gay people are sharp dressers with feminine voices and eat foie gras, fags are annoying psuedo-nerds with $300 dress shirts who just love the new “work” by Sofia Coppola.)

All that said, I still don’t know what this blog is going to be about, especially since I’ve decided to dedicate my career to non-linear editing instead of… writing a blog? Might do some movies for free so I can get credits out there since calling up editing labs has gotten me very far. Just in case you are Canadian and are reading this, I was being sarcastic. After college, I was prepared for begging for more barista work after I turned down a janitorial job at one editing house. Now that I think back on it, I should’ve taken that gig… but it was a 95 minute subway ride to get paid $10/hr to clean up old unused drives. I hated that, initially, but now I’m in Austin. The transit here… not good. The media here… working on it, but so far it’s like NYC with nicer people. I might take over another film club, but we’ll see how that one goes.

Well, I’m gonna go refresh myself on some Bubblegum Crisis.
Remember, kids!~ Citizen Kane is the best movie ever made.

“Sicko” or “Why I Declined The Morphine When I Broke My Wrist The First Time.”

Ok, I’m actually going to review Sicko and not just make fun of Americans this time. I was expecting something the Cannes film festival would surely jump up in joy for: an over-2-hour documentary with lethargic narration about something rich white people are doing to ruin the lives of honest hard working Americans so it can fatten their wallets and stomachs. Well, that’s what I got but I was pleasantly surprised that the documentary’s message worked this time. The case with Bowling for Columbine was simply that “guns are bad mmmkay” and that Canadians aren’t as violent and sociopathic as the Americans. Jolly good show. However, with Sicko, the characters are real and the villains aren’t edited to look more sinister than they are. The problem is serious and, of course, so is Moore.

Now, I’m not a fan of Michael Moore but, like Jesus or Death Note, I despise the fanbase more than anything and am willing to hear the guy out and see if he’s got anything I should be interested in. I’ve read the comments online and it’s shameful to see such blatant ethnocentrism hidden by goading the bad grammar kids for bashing their false idol. Yes, maybe the healthcare is far better or worse somewhere else. Yes, maybe we’re the worst country blah blah Bush is an asshole New York Yankees. Yes, maybe Moore is a fat liberal douche whathaveyou. However, I suspect that none of these people have seen the movie in question.

Sicko isn’t the sequel to Fahrenheit 9/11. Sicko addresses the shananegans of healthcare and insurace corporations in charge of the coverage of the average American and how it’s all one big money game. This shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone if you’re already a cynic like I am, but at least there wasn’t a documentary of this caliber about it and Moore’s the right man for the job. While the movie and its patrons might come to a debate on whether or not we should vote for a universal healthcare system or not, it’s vital to understand that even if our currency could withstand that, this country will not stand for such an outcome. Our founding fathers loved money just the same and they’d do the same thing; Racism and sexism will always take a backseat to classism. It’s a depressing but sometimes necessary experience to sit down and ponder just what kind of a place this is for people who don’t make it into the higher class. “Give me your tired, your sick, your poor.”

Let’s face it, the healthcare problems light shone upon don’t matter to people who can afford to cheat death, which then begs the question: Does healthcare work or is it a front to keep people at bay while the fortunate cover themselves? And reflecting on that question begs another: Is this movie brainwashing me with its superior editing? But I digress. The problem, as I said is serious, and the movie puts a chill down your spine, if your spine is anything like mine (I used to be able to recommend a good network chiropractor for that but now I think he was just bilking my mom for cash ever since I learned about reiki). Getting out of the fearful diatribe about US healthcare and its many horror stories and going back to the movie, its quality is also something you’ve come to expect from Michael Moore. Not everything in the movie is the truth. Not everything is a lie either, but the man’s a known trickster with a great talent for directing and editing that it’s hard to be sure without doing your own research. Fortunately, such a movie gives people the chance to debate their neighbors into submission and research things for themselves.

Michael Moore is, without a doubt, a marvelous filmmaker. It might not be for the awful truth he gives us in pill form, it might not be for the illusion of reality all good directors weave before us, and it might not even be due to his extreme propagandist editing style, but one thing can always be counted on when you watch a Michael Moore film: You feel something. You feel proud or enraged. You want to do something that matters. Even if you’re being lied to, you’re being triggered like the dogs you are and the bell is telling you to care about your future and the future of your children. When the message hits home, the film does its job. No director worth his salt could ask for more. Sicko’s a movie worth seeing but never expect the hollywood happy ending from this man and you’ll be fine. 4.1 out of 5 thumbs up.