Internets Halloween

If only I hated myself like I hate other people, my life would turn out fine. I’d have the castle I always wanted and made blueprints for, I’d have the suit and black car I’d drive in to pick up my daughter at school so people would think her dad was in the FBI, I’d have the sharp stubble needed for lighting matches… but, nay, I do not have such a destiny for I do not have a daughter, a driver’s license despite being stuck in Texas, nor do I have the green dollar billz. I figure if I hated myself a little to a lot more, I could become a journalist. I’d be angry and miserable all of the time so being verbose for the sake of it wouldn’t be difficult. As for getting laid, I’m not any luckier now with a vampire’s smile so I wouldn’t be missing out on anything. As it stands, I am at a loss for what it is I truly want to do but now, more than ever, I am certain that I want nothing to do with the internet.

I got bored and took a stroll down Nexus way. You remember the Korean MMORPG with the Suikoden graphics? Yeah, I used to play that back in ‘03 with some ex-friends who now haunt my recent dreams. Well, I went back in and did some speedruns as different classes only to be met with internet. Even the notice of my username sent 12 y/o kids into violent diatribes about why I’m worthless. I could only understand half of it because I refuse to accept pwnspeak as a language and nerdcore as a genre, but what I did comprehend I did not like. I attempted using big words to hurt them emotionally but, sooner than I’d thought I’d recall it, kids on the internet have no emotions. They only have shitting dicknipples on 4chan. And I won’t post my 1-hour soliliquy on why that site is the reason PKU has destroyed all of my sperm as you all should know that it is the infected rectum of the cyber-95.

I got bored and felt like making a witty console-war comment at one of my pals online since this idiot felt like posting old news. His reaction was full-blown animosity and I don’t like to coddle people into accepting my apologies so I decided to let the fucker have it, but in the most sarcastic way I could. This too did not register with him as he got genuinely offended. I was thinking “why do I talk with this kid who thinks Rejected! and Home Movies are funny” but he beat me to it and said “I don’t know why I talk to you, manj.” Well, not exactly. I edited that because his grammar was a mess, but this kid wrote the word manj twice in the same reply. I sighed slightly less heavier than the day I walked out of Ocean’s house on Earth Day 2000. And only 1 or 2 people know what that means so I’ll explain: it means “oh god, this is a complete and utter waste of my life and if I don’t pay for my sins soon, the debt will only increase and those I love will go away forever.” Of course, 7 years ago I was being dead serious and last night I was just wondering why I let myself get in this position. Sitting by the computer, discussing console wars with some guy who’s taking it more serious than a death in the family.

I was thinking about it and I believe I can explain why we (choose “we” for yourselves) are progressively getting worse as a people. We’re getting smarter in terms of what wikis we can edit but we’re giving up our social skills and unique personality traits in exchange for memorizing MC Lars lyrics or, even worse, writing blogs about I’ve Sound. I know I’m part of the problem, but we’re all part of one giant problem anyway. The more I roam on this internet thing, the more DA sites, bullshit Cheezburger catmeme nonsense, the “graphics don’t matter” PS2 kids who grew loud obnoxious voices in favor of the PS3 graphics all over the place, the chan imageboards and YTMNDs, the “social networking” sites, the more I’m so happy I’m not like you people. Half of you are grammar nazis and half of you can’t read or write in your native language! Half of you yell out “BOOBIES!!” or “first!!!!” in forums and feeds and half of you can’t read it without having your whole days ruined. I want your problems, which are no problems, and the size of your estates but I’d have to hate myself and dress the part and be like you people and I just can’t do that.

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノおはよう Hey hey hey, guys!
Hahahaha, it’s GATO! What’s up, nigga dawg!?
Yo, I saw this vampire the other day! (o*｡_｡) He was fangy!
Ho shit!
No shit? Wow, man! I’ve never seen a real vampire!
Hahahaha, you’ve seen fake vampires before?
( ･_･)ｼﾞｯ
OI! THAT’S A GOOD ONE GATO! ∑d(≧▽≦*)
…Yes, I have, actually… ( →_→)ｼﾞﾛ!
Oh. ( 　・　＿　・ 　)
Hahahahaha!

It’s the 28th of June!!!

First off, I would just like to address that Cold Sex is a cold sex machine goddess for creating my LJ feed and if you have an LJ, click that shit and friend that shit and pass that shit.

What’s so exciting about the 28th of June!? Well, for starters, I had a job interview that isn’t Starbucks but I don’t think I did well on it! Yeah! And Grim Grimoire came out, which is always a reason to celebrate. I have the Japanese version but, you know, I can’t read Japanese. I mean, I love Attackers and Tokyo Hot and Red Eyes X and Bang Bang Promiscuity and Night24 but I just can’t understand a word anyone’s screaming. Still doesn’t prevent the game from being fun, but I always thought: “gee, this game would be so much cooler if I could understand a word and hey that demon thing is glowing.” And now, I can understand the words! Yeah!

Also, I’ve been on an oldie-but-goodie kick and have been watching some old school classics. Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Guys and Dolls, The Maltese Falcon, Le Samourai. All good for different reasons. Not sure if I addressed this in the previous entry because I don’t read and I can’t remember anything, but I think I can attribute the good movie quest to the desire to teach a film class. I figure my old professor knew nothing about film and that didn’t stop us from begging him for college credits so I can do it too. Especially if I move to Eureka and go to another community college for free whilst editing indie films for the credential I’ll need. And if every college in America says no, I’ll just write a book about it and move to England so I can hit on my furry friend and I really miss underground transit… I guess I could move to France for that too… But they have too many French people and the smell of coffee is slowly driving me mad… which for some reason reminds me of my speech and diction class I had which then makes me want to watch My Fair Lady…

Hmm, not much that will probably interest others, so here’s another GATO adventure!

Oi, GATO! ＼(>◇<)／ギャー！ Quick, let us put out this fire!
Ho shit, get waters! O_O
Not my Barbara Walters stamp collection! Anything but that!
I thought you threw that shit out!
THROW DA FIRES OUT (*ノ・)ノギャーーーー！！
We’re working on it!
Yo, I’m workin’ heeee-ya.
Hahahaha, that’s an awesome accent!
Thanks!! (⌒▽⌒)ノ＿彡☆バンバン！ I saved it for such an occasion!

Bootstrap Batangu

I wish I were a pirate, man. Standing on my deck, guffawing as I get incredibly soaked by the harsh waters. Yelling at people, waving a cutless about like a lunatic and not getting arrested for it… well, at least you could do it at sea. I almost got busted for wearing a skirt and having a kendo sword in a subway station once. My guard was lowered because I was staring at a toothpick that stabbed me when I picked up the phone and I was worried I’d contracted AIDS… The cops come up to me and they’re trying to open my sword but I keep telling ‘em “it’s just wood, man. No blade in there.”
“Why are you wearing a skirt?”
“Man, I do that sometimes. Can I get my sword back? I can’t cut a dude’s head off with that shit.”
“Oh, ok.” Cops hand it back, they walk away, my ex shows up, and yet I’m still bored, but I digress.

I got Ship Simulator 2006 but it sucks. I like Johnny Depp and used to play Sid Meier’s Pirates! for the Apple ][c way back when my mom was a lawyer. I got a map of the Spanish Main on my otherwise-barren wall and sometimes I think "Pfil," I say inside my head, "we should become a pirate. Don't gotta worry about working for Taco Bell if you're on the sea, pillaging, plundering, eating limes and shit."

I’M A PIRATE TODAY!
Whaaaaaat!?
Oi, GATO, you’re a pirate? ｱﾚﾚﾚ!?(･_･;?
Arrrr! That’s right, mateys! ナミダガ・・ ヽ(；▽)ノ アハハハハ
I DON’T GET IT!
That’s the whole point, simpleton! ﾑ━━━[○･｀Д´･○]━━━ヵ Cretin!
Ho shit!
Yo, why you a pirate anyways!?
I may or may not have a drinking problem!
Hahahahaha, oh man.
That’s not funny. m(._.)m ゴメン

Not to sound like I’m a homophobe but the hardest thing about being a Bleach fan was trying to explain why I hated Dragon Ball Z. Then I realized that (1) Kubo Tite’s fashion sense is fab and (2) there are far less drawings of molars.