Internets Halloween

If only I hated myself like I hate other people, my life would turn out fine. I’d have the castle I always wanted and made blueprints for, I’d have the suit and black car I’d drive in to pick up my daughter at school so people would think her dad was in the FBI, I’d have the sharp stubble needed for lighting matches… but, nay, I do not have such a destiny for I do not have a daughter, a driver’s license despite being stuck in Texas, nor do I have the green dollar billz. I figure if I hated myself a little to a lot more, I could become a journalist. I’d be angry and miserable all of the time so being verbose for the sake of it wouldn’t be difficult. As for getting laid, I’m not any luckier now with a vampire’s smile so I wouldn’t be missing out on anything. As it stands, I am at a loss for what it is I truly want to do but now, more than ever, I am certain that I want nothing to do with the internet.

I got bored and took a stroll down Nexus way. You remember the Korean MMORPG with the Suikoden graphics? Yeah, I used to play that back in ‘03 with some ex-friends who now haunt my recent dreams. Well, I went back in and did some speedruns as different classes only to be met with internet. Even the notice of my username sent 12 y/o kids into violent diatribes about why I’m worthless. I could only understand half of it because I refuse to accept pwnspeak as a language and nerdcore as a genre, but what I did comprehend I did not like. I attempted using big words to hurt them emotionally but, sooner than I’d thought I’d recall it, kids on the internet have no emotions. They only have shitting dicknipples on 4chan. And I won’t post my 1-hour soliliquy on why that site is the reason PKU has destroyed all of my sperm as you all should know that it is the infected rectum of the cyber-95.

I got bored and felt like making a witty console-war comment at one of my pals online since this idiot felt like posting old news. His reaction was full-blown animosity and I don’t like to coddle people into accepting my apologies so I decided to let the fucker have it, but in the most sarcastic way I could. This too did not register with him as he got genuinely offended. I was thinking “why do I talk with this kid who thinks Rejected! and Home Movies are funny” but he beat me to it and said “I don’t know why I talk to you, manj.” Well, not exactly. I edited that because his grammar was a mess, but this kid wrote the word manj twice in the same reply. I sighed slightly less heavier than the day I walked out of Ocean’s house on Earth Day 2000. And only 1 or 2 people know what that means so I’ll explain: it means “oh god, this is a complete and utter waste of my life and if I don’t pay for my sins soon, the debt will only increase and those I love will go away forever.” Of course, 7 years ago I was being dead serious and last night I was just wondering why I let myself get in this position. Sitting by the computer, discussing console wars with some guy who’s taking it more serious than a death in the family.

I was thinking about it and I believe I can explain why we (choose “we” for yourselves) are progressively getting worse as a people. We’re getting smarter in terms of what wikis we can edit but we’re giving up our social skills and unique personality traits in exchange for memorizing MC Lars lyrics or, even worse, writing blogs about I’ve Sound. I know I’m part of the problem, but we’re all part of one giant problem anyway. The more I roam on this internet thing, the more DA sites, bullshit Cheezburger catmeme nonsense, the “graphics don’t matter” PS2 kids who grew loud obnoxious voices in favor of the PS3 graphics all over the place, the chan imageboards and YTMNDs, the “social networking” sites, the more I’m so happy I’m not like you people. Half of you are grammar nazis and half of you can’t read or write in your native language! Half of you yell out “BOOBIES!!” or “first!!!!” in forums and feeds and half of you can’t read it without having your whole days ruined. I want your problems, which are no problems, and the size of your estates but I’d have to hate myself and dress the part and be like you people and I just can’t do that.

ヾ(＠⌒ー⌒＠)ノおはよう Hey hey hey, guys!
Hahahaha, it’s GATO! What’s up, nigga dawg!?
Yo, I saw this vampire the other day! (o*｡_｡) He was fangy!
Ho shit!
No shit? Wow, man! I’ve never seen a real vampire!
Hahahaha, you’ve seen fake vampires before?
( ･_･)ｼﾞｯ
OI! THAT’S A GOOD ONE GATO! ∑d(≧▽≦*)
…Yes, I have, actually… ( →_→)ｼﾞﾛ!
Oh. ( 　・　＿　・ 　)
Hahahahaha!

@the.world

I was standing outside in the hot wind as Rusty stared down all the feral cats that roam around my complex when I got to thinking: What’s this life about? I sat out there without any pants on in the thinker pose, wondering what life would be like without needing the money of other people. You know, beat your own food, build your own shelter, woo the ladies with your manly musk. But, I said to my dog, I said “Rusty… Even if I were in a magical mysterious time with pixies and shit, I’d be the guy killing all the pigs.” He just limped back to the house and I scratched the idea. No. I don’t wanna go back in time before 401ks and credit scores. Well, I mean, I do, but I’d rather fast forward this shit. I have to admit that bright lights and eletronic money appeal to me much more.

I wish I were in the AD Police. I mean, the cyberpunk scene is too much fun. The terminology is all crass and vulgar, everything looks like Portland Street in Hong Kong, the music is synth’d out Billy Idol, the girls are either bald or have mohawks, and the whole city’s connected to the infrastructures of invisible worlds running on energy and data. Straight up, our world would be better off either with no technology or nothing but. And since I can’t see myself living without Not4Chan, I’m opting for the latter. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate a system where a good heart and merits earn you your right to lifewithout miles of red tape and forms but… the internet. So, instead, a future dystopian world where you’re plugged into the matrix is something I’m interested in.

Ponder this, choobs; you’re walking back to your beat-up Salvador ‘86 luxury muscle from the club, which looks exactly like the one from The Terminator, when some yakuza punk steps up to you and pulls out a fiberglass switchblade. He starts yammering on about how you were cozying up this girl and you just laugh. That’s when a green laser in the shape of a happy anime cloud appears on the guy’s forehead and he backs off because he knows what that means. Sometimes, these posergangs are packing and you don’t dick around with ‘em or you get zeroed if you get my drift. Just so happens that girl you were cozying with is the daughter of the president of the programming firm you’re a collar for. Saved your small life, pal, and that’s dandy, but now you owe the cat a favor. You sigh and continue walking to your car and the chump runs. You start the car with a retinal scan and the girl, revealing herself on the club’s rooftop, fires at your windshield. A tiny dart projects an ascii image of the girl’s number and a message that reads “I ain’t a cheap date.” Shit, you realize, that girl stole my creds. Shit, you wonder, I was probably better off with the yak and his flimsy box cutter.

Man, I’m in the mood to watch eXistenZ or read some Snow Crash right about now, but I should sleep. I got a 4th interview at Starbucks tomorrow I can’t be late for… or can I?